Random

I love to read, write, spend my time thinking about what i read and wrote.  When i do things that are not related to reading or writing there is a hint of discomfort that develops in me and stays in me.

With this discomfort inside me, i am present but absent . With a  book to read, once i start reading  i have something to look forward to, i have pages to finish, plots to connect.

 

 

 

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I killed a dog

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The dog, he was a stray.  Right next to my new home, there is a medium sized playground, say around 400 meters in diameter and about 10 stray dogs live in the playground. Out of these dogs, a young dog, at a crossover stage from a pup to a dog  -caught my attention.

He looked cute of course , but there was something different about him, he looked sturdy, well built for a stray dog (for they get little food to eat) and his eyes, they were shiny bright, bright like a pair of tiny  stars. I liked him and fed him some biscuits the first day , he then followed me till my apartment building gate. Just before entering the building gate i petted him for a good 10 minuets, he fell on his back showing me his tummy, asking for a belly rub which i did. After  10 minutes of petting and playing with this dog e i stood up and walked inside the compound gate. I was happy and he seemed more than happy, his eyes followed me as i disappeared into the lift lobby.

The next day morning, as i was removing my car out of the building parking lot , he was at the same spot where i left him the previous day. Not sure if he was standing there the whole night or he had returned to the spot in the morning. I slowed  my car and watched him trying to figure out the person inside the car. I stopped the car, his ears raised slightly , and then when i got out of the car he jumped with joy & within  the next few seconds he was lying on his back, all four legs raised towards the sky, straining his neck to look at me and see if i would give him a belly rub. I patted him on his nose twice and drove off with his image in the side mirror till he was out of sight.

That evening we met again and i fed him eggs instead of biscuits. This routine continued, with food ranging from biscuits , chicken, eggs ,  fruits(yes he ate banana and carrots)  . We spent more time playing and talking to each other in the evenings.

This continued for about a month. This dog, he stopped going to the playground and used to spend most of his time outside our apartment building. The security guy told me that after my car left the building in the morning, he would sleep outside the gate , wake up, go around the ground and return to sleep in the same place till i returned. After the evening snack, he used to go  somewhere and return early in the morning.

From the balcony of my flat, i could see most of the other dogs running and playing but  this dog was missing all that fun, it appeared he only wanted to wait for me outside the gate, for the 10-15 minuets of play time and the little food that i give. i felt sad for him but at the same time i was happy seeing his love grow for me . If only i could afford my own home i would have definitely welcomed him inside my home

Then one day, i got a call from home asking me to come home at the earliest, for  a quick family gathering.  In the excitement to meet them  i totally forgot about this dog. On the day i left, i woke up, packed hurriedly and left the building having completely forgotten to carry any food to the dog waiting outside. It is only when i saw him sitting outside gazing at my moving car i thought about him . I did not have time to stop and talk to him , so i waved him goodbye from inside the car and left.

After a week, i returned. While i was nearing my apartment building the thoughts of this dog and the silly things he does while with me made me smile . I was eager to see him again.

I reached the building and stopped outside and as expected i found him sleeping outside the gate. Upon seeing me he quickly rose to his feet, like a solider on seeing his reporting officer , but instead of running towards me and leaping on me which he usually does, he limped towards me, he was trying hard to raise his neck to look at me in the eyes but the effort seemed to take a lot of energy out of him. I  rushed towards him, took him in my arms. I did not ask anything nor did he say, he wagged his tail gently with his head rested on my  forearm. He could look at my face directly from that position. I knew he was hurt physically, something had hit him hard, either a vehicle or a person. I asked the security guy but he did not seem to know anything. I looked suspiciously at the metal stick he carries around. I also thought about the neighbors who were not very pleased with the sight of a stray dog outside their building.

I moved the dog under a half shade. of a tree. Fed him some biscuits i had and he seemed to eat it because i gave it to him not because he wanted to eat. I asked him to rest till i go get a doctor to fix him. Leaving him under  the tree, i parked my car went into my flat , unpacked, freshened up and asked some  friends of mine for a good veterinary doctor or clinic nearby . Having got this information, i went down to get the dog and found him missing. The security guy waving the stick in his hand told me the dog went to the direction of the playground.

I went to the playground but could not find him there. I returned home after a while. The rest of the day went as usual, with me occasionally screening the ground to see if could see my friend. The next morning i woke up early , made tea and sat in the balcony sipping tea and reading the morning news, which was my routine. Then i saw, a group a dogs gathered at a spot on the ground, also crows and other birds were circling at the spot. I watched them for a long time, and finally after the dogs moved away i saw, my dog sleeping on the ground  with birds circling over him

Had i not fed him the first time with biscuits and played with him, he would have continued to live with his group of stray dogs and lived longer. Had i not given him the hope of love, he would have lived. I cursed myself for showing love, it was not me who showed love, it was him who showered  his love and attention on me and i wanted it badly, so i was being nice to him.

I went out with a shovel and some biscuits, the least i can do now is to give this friend of mine a good burial, a place of his body to rest.

The following day, i took a day off work and went house hunting, any pet friendly home would do, i did not care about the area or the distance from my office. I found a small but good little house and payed the advance. I called up my  current landloard and told him i will vacate the place in 2 weeks.

At the end of the 2nd week, before leaving the apartment forever i walked to the ground, payed my respect and goodbye to my little friend .  I walked towards my car outside and as i neared it, there was tiny little pup, may be around 45 days old, brown in color sniffing and trying to bite the rear tyre of my car.

I searched my pocket for biscuits……..

Why It’s Okay to Have Pie in the Sky Syndrome

Buffalo Schnitzel

Sometimes I come down with Pie in the Sky Syndrome.

Right after I finished my Master’s degree I was, I’ll admit, just a bit full of myself.  I’d just completed a M.F.A. Creative Writing at the University of London, under the Poet Laureate of the country,  and graduated with distinction.  Tack on four years of prior middle school teaching experience on an army base in Europe and I thought I held the golden ticket to jobs.

All the jobs.

In my mind, people would be going out of their way to knock on my door and offer me employment—and not just in my field! Oh, no! There were all types of things I could be doing, now! Pies were flying all over the sky and all I had to do was reach out and pinch hold of the crust.

I started filling out applications with the lack of urgency a…

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Desperate

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Desperate for love, i wished for things i had dreamt about. I prayed, i cried, i acted silly in front of the gods, thinking they would grant me my wish for love. For when i got my love i did not know what to do with it, where do i start, how do i quench my thirst for love with the very love on my lips. Confused, i roamed around with my love, frustrated with this very love i so longed to experience. I was no longer desperate and this is what i lost, having carried the feeling of being desperate for so long, i no longer could live without it for it was now a part of me,within me. With love around and with me, i had not a chance to feel desperate.

So in my bid to feel desperate again, i pushed away my love. I pushed it away so far and i started to feel desperate again. Now i did not know whether to laugh of joy -for being desperate again or to watch in sorrow the love drifting away from me.

The Sky Is Not Empty

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I am always in a hurry when i wake up. I jump like a cat from the bed, finish my morning duties and enter the kitchen, boil  one and a quarter cup of water , add a little more than a teaspoon of tea-powder , wait for it to boil a little and then add 3/4th cup of milk.

I then pace to and fro the gas stove , sniffing occasionally for the fragrance of tea to hit my nose. After the tea boils to the brim thrice, i switch of the gas stove , pour the cup of tea to my tea glass and swiftly head to the balcony facing east.

I then sit on the floor and gaze into the sky, take a sip of the tea and wait for the first sun rays to touch my skin. I can see in the distance the sun rising , the trees and plants around me seem to share my impatience.

Then the magic happens and the first  raising sun rays strike me, i can feel my entire body getting charged, the energy getting generated  and spread through my body, blood begins to rush freely thorough the veins of my body, i can feel all of this  with great detail. The feeling is just like  love, the sweetness of womanhood in its full glory , like the warm touch of a mother, a wife, a lover, a woman. I never get enough of it, I survive through every day so that you can come back to this love, this few minutes of pure bliss.

I sometimes  curse myself for not having discovered this magic earlier . Now that the moment is over, i get back to reality , i become a human to sleep through the day’s work.

When In Doubt, Question Your Doctor.

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Most of us do not question the doctors who treat us or our family members. We agree to what they say and follow. I was also the  doing the same until I realized that the doctor is not always right. Human they are to make mistakes , but also , we are developing doctors who are not serious about their profession or let me say they are not serious about the patient’s life .

My dad was hospitalized for the 3rd time this year. He is highly diabetic and has to take insulin injections two times a day to survive the day.

He is also allergic to the Amoxicillin, a drug that is commonly used as an antibiotic to treat fever. His symptoms on taking Amoxicillin are: body parts swell, Skin turns red in color and then he collapses( that is as far as i have seen, because he was treated back to safety everytime  after he loses his consciousness).

The first time he was admitted in a very reputed hospital , even though it was written on this file that he is allergic to the drug Amoxicillin ,one of the saviour doctor prescribed the same to Him. Within minuets other doctors and the nurses were all around him  trying to deflate him(his body was swollen everywhere)  while it appeared my mother was ready to flood the room with her tears.

He was cured, we were relived, the doctor and the team were proud of their latest achievement and I could see it on their face, saving a patient after accidently trying to kill him. Yay! The swelling around the body would take a few more days to heal, but hey, he is breathing again and he can now be treated for the old illness for which he was actually admitted to the hospital.

All said and done, we decided to forget the incident but decided not to revoke the curses we had laid on the doctor who was responsible.

He was cured of the illness in 2 weeks and returned home much to the joy of the family. The doctors actually did a good job in getting him back to health.Ok.

The second time my dad was hospitalized  nothing went wrong. He was cured of the illness and returned home safely. We thanked the doctors wholeheartedly before we left

The third time, he was admitted to the hospital. This time as per the ‘reports’ it was the nurse, she was the culprit they said. The doctor after the usual checkup on the patient who was admitted I.e. my dad, prescribed medications. He had fever and so the doctor asked the nurse to give him ‘Antibiotics’ and she did. The most commonly used antibiotic Amoxicillin.

Remember, it was written in his medical file about his allergic reaction to Amoxicillin

So this man(my dad) hospitalized third time for the year,  his body strength was at all time low. He could not fight the allergic attack this time like he did before, so it was worse this time. The nurses in the hospital could not even make him sit  ,his body was shutting down.

Hearing the commotions a family from neighbouring room came to check, they consoled my mom who also was on the brink of collapsing and helped the nurses to carry my dad to the emergency.  All this happened between 2am-4am

Good news, he was cured of the allergy attack this time also. I saw them proud doctors walking out of the room, flashing smiles at each other. My dad was safe. The swelling in his body would take a couple of days to heal, but hey he can be treated for the actual illness now and remember this time it was the nurse’s fault not the doctor’s. They are a sperate team. OK.

Dad was recovering and the doctors decided he could be discharged from the hospital and go home in day.

Like I mentioned earlier, my dad is a diabetic patient and needs to inject insulin two times a day to survive.

In the afternoon his blood sugar level was high at 500(150 is the normal count). So they gave him a dosage of 32ml of insulin before supper/dinner.

The next day I.e. his blood sugar level was 200 and yet the nurse gave him an insulin shot of 34ml before supper. I being a common man without much knowledge of how the medications work was worried when the nurse did this,i even asked her a couple of times to confirm the dosage. The doctor prescribed, I deliver said she. Soon after the insulin was injected to his body, me and my dad knew this would go wrong. He asked me to get some chocolates and keep it beside his bed and then we waited. Around 4:30am it happend. Dad’s blood sugar level became low, he could feel it, he felt weak, he could feel his heart straining to pump blood , he was losing consciousness. He signalled me to get the nurse, she came and checked the sugar level, it was 50 and dropping.(I think sugar level below 30 and it will be coma and sometimes death for the patient)

Immediately he ate couple of chocolates and like planned the previous night I made him tea with sugar.

After about an hour, his blood sugar level rose to 102 . Tensed but happy that our little backup plan worked, I walked out of the room , aksed for white paper and a black marker from the nurse, wrote ‘When In Doubt (Aways)Please Question Your Doctor ‘ and pasted it on the wall on the hospital room.

That is all I could do at that moment.

They did not remove the sign yet. We vacate the room today.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Magical Memory Box

mokita dreams

walk bridge mokita dreamsmokita dreams stairs trainersmokita dreams forest swedenlifeguard beach mokita dreamsmokita dreams girl green dress fieldssky town sweden mokita dreams

That sound when everyone is unwrapping Christmas presents and if you stop for a moment you can hear magic.

Christmas used to be so magical. The very fancy Santa does not look so intimidating these days. I still believe in magic.

I went to Sweden to visit my family and the only way I can describe the days spent in complete showers of love – Christmas. I do apologise for mentioning the big word when it is only August, but I was thinking the other day of making some cards. Every single year I promise myself to do it, but it never happens.

I was treated like royalty. The mixture of Lithuanian and Swedish hospitality kicked in and it was never ending feast of the most beautiful places, meals, walks, beaches, forests, lakes and skies. But the real magic took place when we were playing Uno (card game). My little cousin loved it…

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Random Thought !

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It is hard to describe emotions/feeling (at least for me).  I just feel that it is really difficult for the other people in my life to understand what i feel and at the same time i expect the very close and dear ones to me- to understand what i am feeling (without me telling  them) an that leads to the emotion – Anger (?). Well not anger exactly, let me say Disappointment. See i am not able to pin down my own feelings and i expect others to do it for me.

Not bragging about myself, but i always thought(and experienced) that i could understand the other person, specially the people in my family and close friends circle, without them having to say much to me  or describe their thoughts to me , and maybe that is why i kind of expect the same from ‘them’ towards me. Like i mentioned before, i don’t get angry (i guess), i get disappointed and  want to be left completely alone for some when this happens

There is one more thing- i kind of like that- people don’t understand me, that makes me feel i am different league from them.  So what would i do, when i find this person or a more than one person who can understand me, know me without even me having to speak my thoughts.

Scared now -__-